I made a change which was quite benign, on this level, but because of it there has been movement at a deeper level.
I changed my internet, television, and phone provider. It seemed a big decision in that I had to move from what I was familiar with to the unfamiliar. You know how difficult that is for me. You were so patient with me in that arena. Anyway, I am tickled because I like the change and I have also liked the people I have interacted with so far.
Because of that change I have now changed my address right here in this house. Throughout your illness I slept on the couch. You could not sleep in bed so slept in a recliner in the living room. You often spoke of how warm and inviting the living room was. It was peaceful. I felt more secure to be there, next to you, in case you had problems breathing etc. I could also reach out and touch you. I just liked being close to you. At any rate it is four months since you passed and I jumped off the cliff, of the familiar, and moved back to our bedroom. I think one reason it took so long was I felt like it was a letting go, a separation, from you that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I was afraid I wouldn’t sense your presence there but I was wrong.
I woke up the first morning with the thought that you were gone and I heard your voice through the whispers.
‘I am not gone’.
The whispers continued.
In our beginnings I would say when you’re dead, you’re dead. Probably because of my life experiences? Birth is tangible so we celebrate it. Death is wrapped in mystery so we dread it. You can’t see those of us who have traversed the veil but we are here and we are near. We have dropped our earthly cloak, our ego façade, and returned to the heaven of pure truth.
My dear Tammy Lou. You know I loved life. I loved my humanness. I loved the smell of the earth. I loved the feel of the rain. It was rejuvenating. I loved the light of the sun, the moon and the stars. I loved my youth, being married, becoming a father, learning, creating and so forth. I think I was just dumbed down enough not to appreciate it.
Like many of us I bulled my way through life, my way. I lost my family, my heart. All that I had worked for became dust in the wind like the earth I excavated. My soul was being excavated. Cause and effect, I guess. I don’t take all of the blame because it takes at least two and yet I am not sure blame is a right word because here there is no blame. Life happens and what we do with it, through our choices and discernment, marks our path at any given moment.
I was given a second chance with you and you with me. Our souls connected and our earthly love grew. We liked each other which is really important. You were my friend, my lover, my soul mate. Life experiences had tempered us. Our foundation allowed us to love beyond earthly measure. It was a love that held us through the storms and gave us breath to fly into another day. So my dear wife we are just experiencing the next breath, you there and me here. I wish you could see through the light of my soul.
I don’t know if I see other than through glimpses but I do feel you in my soul, my heart. There was a line spoken in a movie where a man says to his love, “I think I would have always missed you even if we had never met.” I would say that to you, Bob.
Tammy Lou, we lived the nitty gritty of life. We were a team. Our actions deepened us. We tore down and we built up. Even though we shied away from it we were growing our souls as we shed the layers that covered over the pure truth of who we truly are.
Oh Bob, I just have to thank you. Your light shines bright in my heart as I believe mine shines bright in the heart of your soul. Our light joined must be like looking upon the brilliance of the sun and that my love is heaven on earth.
How could I believe you are gone when our togetherness was always about the deeper truth once we got past the layers? It was about the communion of our hearts through the eternal breath. It was love unconditional and that love never dies.
I love you and thanks for being here, there, and everywhere.