I am surprised as to the changes that come so quickly. What I woke up to this morning was a sense of depression coming on and I asked why?
This past week I have been reading a book on our Imperfections which is not a bad thing. I have gone down this path before and have felt by naming and facing our weakest links we are creating and have created a kind of tensile strength within. Because of that, I have been open to sharing those imperfections through conversations, writings, and so on.
After your passing, I decided to stay here in our home to deal and feel. I have been open through writings to share “us”. The reality of us in that like most we lived a dichotomy of emotions but beneath those was the stability of love beyond earthly measure.
These past few days I have felt the craggy path to the cliff and the precipice. I felt I was nearing the abyss but not in a healthy way. I felt it through words I spoke, tears I shed, and the inability to write. I felt it from a sort of emptiness and I know why.
What I was reading about is a wonderful tool but as I was reading it and ‘thinking’ about it I took my eyes off of the horizon. Yes, I took my eyes off the horizon of the true power that helps to heal the past and the future. I spent time in mind chatter while getting stuck in the pain. The remembered pain of a little girl lost in a woman’s body. I was so stuck in process, a positive outcome was elusive, if not impossible.
We, you and I, were forced to take time to a point where we became almost the exclusive mirror to one another that revealed our shadows. There was among other things a gnashing and tearing, a birthing. Not a process for the faint of heart. Through the process, we were gifted with a sense of trust and gratitude. We were living a life where every breath was a gift and as you surpassed all expectations our gratitude was fused with faith through grace.
I loved you and you, me. How could we not have love and compassions for our pilgrims dance between the highs and lows? We, through our imperfections, were in part growing our souls.
What I have realized from this craggy path, these past few days is I left Jesus behind. As I neared the cliff and looked into the abyss I knew I had taken a detour through the cunning one’s crafty works. Even the words in the book I am reading speaks about the need for faith and spiritual strength to endure. I was headed towards the abyss of woulda’, shoulda’, coulda’s, coupled with poor me. I was headed for my own drowning in a sea of guilt and shame because that is how quickly we can twist things in our minds. Without heart, we are doomed.
I feel you, Bob. I can hear your words as you played your role of devil’s advocate along the way that even now helped shake me from my perch. I am grateful for you and our soul touch. I am thankful for divine intervention. We were blessed with it often as our pilgrimage cracked the veneer of illusions and quickened our spirits. I am thankful for the light and love of Christ that shines on the darkness within this latest whirlpool of my own making. Without God, without the light that is Christ, we go in circles driven by the illusion that we are not good enough, we are failures, or we are unacceptable.
I know this is not true and today I claim it once again. I see how, in our vulnerability. we can become targets. Today I was carried by the Master and placed in the loving arms of our heavenly Father. My head rested near his heart where I heard Him whisper: There, there, child. All is well. Welcome home, again. I love you.
That is what I feel about us, my dear husband, for we are forever home in each other’s hearts. That is what love is.
Blessed by Grace.