I love perusing my document archives. The one that touched me today is, Are You Ready to Find Relief in Silence? That being because of where I am on my journey. In the beginning of the ravages of Bob’s chronic illness it was difficult to find relief or silence, but through those years and these days since his passing, they have been welcomed. It has been a time of coming home to myself…whoever myself is. There are laughter and tears, reticence, anticipation, and fear of change, all wrapped together. I remember the sometimes long days and wondered why friends said it was too hard to see Bob as sick as he was and I pray never to use that excuse. They missed the treasure of the moments. In those latter years, we were the world to each other and we experienced the world through each other. The agony and the ecstasy of it.
You live the journey as it unfolds. You fight it. You want to control it. You don’t want to face the truth of the mortality of it but through the awesome silence of it, you find gratitude. In silence, you feel the expanse of a lifetime and you love deeply. That love trumps all else.
The joy of the journey is the revelation of the truth of our being. Ego’s wane and the heart expands truth. The truth is I understand, now, what treasures were being mined. For us, we lost much materially but gained a whole new world. We shed layers of illusions that weighted us down and barricaded our hearts. We, in those moments, became the raw of ourselves to each other. Sometimes we yelled our way through, sometimes we pulled inside ourselves, and most of the time we quivered when realizing fear of the inevitable would periodically take the reins. We rode the roller coaster of emotions but the seed of love that was planted in our early days had sprouted and was beginning to blossom in our hearts. We were blessed in the end to experience every hue of emotions. We experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly of one another yet the tether of love, between our hearts, remained intact and grew stronger as the blossom came into its full, eternal, bloom.
I am thankful, in this silence, to have experienced life with this man. He mirrored my soul. I am thankful for the moments of silence for it reveals the real of life. It takes one out of ego into the light of truth with no judgments coupled with such tenderness and compassion.
In silence, we drop our ego facade. We move out of mind games and we feel the world with our hearts. We move away from fear and the terrible ugliness of ourselves that wants to slay the enemy whatever that is. In truth, we could slay every other human being on the earth, and be the last person standing, when we finally realize the enemy resides within. Once we understand that, true healing can begin.
Through the sixteen year journey as a caregiver, I watched the tender heart of my husband come to the fore. He walked a hero’s journey. He never complained or blamed. We laughed, we cried, we clawed our way through the burgeoning paradigm of change that held one truth. Every day was a gift. Every breath was a gift.
In the beginning, as we stepped into the unknown I wanted to control the outcome. Silly girl. It wore me out and him too. However, the tidbits learned in those days were worth it. Sometimes those very negative things turned into positives when we opened the eyes of our hearts to see. I learned so much about the human body. I researched alternatives that proved to lend a quality of life for him, for us. What we gained, through silence, strengthened us to face and to slay our hidden giants, our so-called dragons. In the end, it is not the stuff of life that is important but rather the heart of life that matters.
As he was nearing the end of his ‘Going Home’ journey there was such peace in his eyes. As I reflect on his final breath, the final beat of his heart, I can almost hear his voice through the ether shouting, Home at last. I am home at last. Amazing Grace