I was laying on my side thinking about the bible verses I had read earlier, especially the words about love in 1st Corinthians. I was thinking about that deep love and you and it came to me, again, that the truest and most pure love is of the spirit. I have agonized because I haven’t written but more so because I haven’t felt your presence. As I was thinking those thoughts I heard you say:
I am here beside you. Open the eyes of your heart and you will see me. We are so
close as the veil between us is so thin. We touch more than you know.
In this moment I feel your tears of release.
These past weeks I have allowed seeds to be planted that sprouted fear. I have been upset because you and I lived here, on this lot, for twenty two years and I felt secure and we didn’t worry about things being stolen because it just didn’t happen. I know it was only two gas cans, full of gas that was taken but they are expensive to replace and maybe part of that scenario is it shatters, a bit, my world as I have known it.
Then when I was standing on the deck, early last week, hand watering grass with the hose, a man darted into the backyard, crouched down to look through the fence, and then saw me. He exited stage right. I then saw a sheriff, on the other side of the fence, looking for someone. So did I go in the house? No, I did something dumb. I walked down the steps and to the backyard to see if I could see where the guy came from and then set things up to water the back yard. I don’t know where he went. When I walked into the house I felt scared. I had left the front door open so I checked every room in the house before I shut and locked it.
A few days later I went to the store around six thirty or so in the evening. You would be proud of me because I found the key to the front door and never leave without locking it. Anyway when I got home I brought a couple of bags, my purse, and mail into the house and then went back out to get the rest. I stopped on the porch and was thinking about something I needed to do. I heard a noise and turned to the right. Someone, an adult male, was running from the back of the yard, pretty close to next door trailer. He was running so fast it was like a blur. That startled me. It was surreal. My mind questioned why he was running so fast and what was was he doing in my yard? You probably already know this stuff but I needed to say it out loud to you.
Because of these happenings I have felt scared, angry, kind of hopeless, trapped by circumstances, trapped by fear, and so forth. You know me. I am hyper vigilant and I think that is not a bad thing. However, I am beginning to see how fear paralyzes the flow of life and how it eclipses the light, and sometimes even the essence of spirit.
So as I laid down on my side and closed my eyes, I took a breath, let out a deep sigh and there you were. I felt your presence. I realized that you had never left. It was me who barricaded myself through fear. I felt the breath of your spirit as your voice wafted through soul whispers. You spoke of your mother and Dolly and I told you how much I loved Dolly. She was such a giving heart on this earth.
My Tammy Lou, I love you, spirit to spirit. Did you know geography makes no difference where I am? I wish I had known on earth what I know now but that is moot.
The deepest, most lasting touch we share is through our hearts. So wherever you are, I am. Wherever my children are, I am. Wherever my grandchildren are, I am. I see the light of your souls. In many ways I make a difference, maybe even more so than when I was confined to my body. I am light and love just as are each of you. As you have said, love never dies and what I say is what was, is forevermore. My body weakened and died but not my spirit. Where I am now is beyond joy, Tammy Lou.
During my illness we were both afraid to talk about death. Me because I didn’t want to leave this earth and all whom I love and you because you didn’t want me to go, What did we know?
I am so thankful, Bob because I felt a deep ache of missing you as I thought you were gone forever. You were always here. I just couldn’t see or hear or feel your presence through my imprisoning wall of fear. I love you and thank you for shining love and light on me
And my Tammy Lou I love you and thank you for knowing we can commune soul to soul here, there, and everywhere through the breath of God.