He died. My husband, my lover, my best friend. He was my everyday companion for twenty-five years. He was a mirror that reflected the imperfectly perfect of my humanness, my soul. As we enter onto the stage of our lives other players will come and go. Some are there momentarily and some for a lifetime. Either way, we are mirrors or reflections for one another to help bring us home.
As I begin this journey, with this writing, you must know first and foremost that I am imperfectly perfect and that which plays a huge part in my breaking open is through the passing, the transition of my husband. Today I was carried back to a before time where I, a four-year-old, suffered a terrible tear in my innocence. She died, my mother, that is and my father had to let myself and five siblings go. That is a story for another time. From those points forward I had always named what I felt as rejection until today. The truth flew out of my heart unexpected as I heard the word abandoned. Of course, that was it. I designed my life around it. My own little diamond mine of self-perpetuated treasures. Dark treasures like poor me, guilt and fear, or jumping through hoops to please others because I wanted to be loved so badly. I often went against my own truth for morsels.
`I remember shaking my fist at God, letting out primal screams because I hurt and I wanted to know why? I did not realize I was tethered to the heartache of my own imprisonment. Not even Jesus can set us free unless we ask.
No wonder we are so messed up. We all have our own stories which can lead us away from the path least traveled. Too often, as we live our stories, we put a lock on our hearts. Some live in futility and poverty as they feel that is what they deserve. Some have great material wealth, but tinsel for a heart. They use their wealth to wield and buy power at the expense of others. Some use violence and torture to subdue others and finally, some use alcohol, food, drugs, sex and so forth as they can become addictive pleasures for momentary highs and numbness. We do these things to slay our dragons.
Life is an inside job. The world is a reflection of our hearts or the lack therein.