I have been afraid to share my journey for fear of being judged but I realize that I am my own worst judge and jury sometimes. Most, who know me, know a lot about the journey so I won’t bore you with much of it. We have all created our own cross to bear.
I have hung on that cross of my own making. I have felt the whip of worldly things lashing my body. I have felt the agony of my world and the world brought to its knees to resurrect anew.
Sometimes life feels like quicksand. Sometimes our path takes us through caverns, or through the valley of tears. I have found myself hanging on the precipice when my faith wanes as I let fear rule. So, there I was getting more and more stuck in the quagmire, my own and that being perpetrated upon us. It finally almost consumed me yesterday as the wilderness was blocking my vision and the desert was drying up my faith and then as I hung on that cross Christ put His arms around me and I felt the weight of darkness lifting. I took a breath and leaned into Him, body, mind, and spirit. as I said, Christ, I am yours. I release control. Where ever you lead I will follow.
The child in me has always been so trusting. I take people at face value. I grew up in a protected atmosphere. I married at seventeen and was blessed through that union with three beautiful children. I loved being a mother and I loved the home we created. Then one day that ended as my husband moved out. It was like losing mother all over again as my world and I suspect his too came crashing down. We just didn’t fight for our marriage.
I remember being so afraid and lost. I was thirty-seven, a single mother, and it was time for me to enter the worldly stage. My husband had always said you need to learn about the world and I said you need to learn about the heart. Guess what, we did and through that, we became soul friends and regardless of our path, love never dies.
As that chapter ended I remember saying to God, I will be back. One thing I am not proud of is I had two relationships that took me through the caverns. One with a man who had been a marine and served three tours in Vietnam. He was forever broken. He drank and there was a violence about him. Have you ever had a gun at your head? I was so afraid but I was saved by a power beyond me.
I then entered a relationship with a narcissist. I didn’t know the meaning of that word until it was an after-thought describing that part of my journey. It is amazing sometimes what it takes to open your eyes to reality. Here was a man who could be funny and thoughtful in one moment and in the next a ravenous monster. He was a bully and he twisted things to make you think it was your fault. He beat me up more than once. I was afraid as he threatened to kill me. He drank and the saving grace was he got five DUI’s and had to leave the state. Thank you, God, for divine intervention. I learned about the world. It almost killed me.
Six years after my divorce I meant an amazing man who eventually became my husband, my best friend., Bob Fredericks. We both had healing to do as we set out on our journey together. A journey of twenty-five years. We trekked to Orlando, Florida, Ruidoso, New Mexico, Flagstaff, Arizona. We came back to Colorado and eventually moved to Montana. We created our construction company, bought our home, and settled in for our life together. He loved me for who I was and encouraged me every step of the way and I did that for him too. One day he woke up in pain and ended up having to have thoracic surgery. After a month of recuperating, he had to be airlifted to Billings for another thoracic surgery because of an abscess that had formed. He was on life support for a week with a two percent chance to live and then in the hospital for a month. It was 1996. He was given five years to live but we got sixteen, in part, through working with holistic health. Anyway, he was totally disabled in 2001 and thus a new chapter began. We lost our business and I eventually stayed home as his caregiver. Life was quiet but we had each other. So thankful for all our moments.
He died five years ago. For one who had never really been alone in my life, this was definitely a new chapter. I had to rely on “Me”. I had adrenal fatigue and fluid in my lungs for not taking care of me through the years. Caregivers do that.
So last night, as I dropped to my knees, in tears, and looked into the mirror of my soul. I realized I have been holding on and trying to control the outcome. At a point, I saw a beacon of light shining from my heart. A light that wrapped around me and allowed me to see that I cannot overcome on my own. That hiding behind my ego only sinks me further into the quagmire. I felt Christ in me as I heard the whispers, “just let go, I have got you. Trust me. At that moment it is almost as if my body went limp but this power energy swept through me. Gods sweet grace. And yes, we are all imperfectly, perfect.
23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever